BMW Z3 M, Volkswagen Golf R, Saturn Sky Redline: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online (2024)

Folks, summer is here. And by “summer,” I of course mean “it is 1,000 degrees, a million percent humidity, and I can’t get home from the office without my clothing devolving into some sort of wet rag that clings to my body in the worst way imaginable.” This is a bad season.

Clearly, we need a way to chill out and survive the next few months. Something cool, that will hopefully distract us from the oppressive heat outside. Something, perhaps, picked from this week’s list of Dopest Cars.

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Remember that weird point in time where James Bond became a BMW guy? When he started cruising around German cars in the ’90s, forsaking his Aston Martin roots? That was a weird period, but I think I know how it could have been fixed: This.

Bond’s Z3 was boring silver-blue, but imagine if it had been this — vibrant colors, yellow headlights, gloss black wheels. Wouldn’t that have been better? I would’ve been much sadder when that helicopter saw got to it.

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But, even then, a Z3 probably isn’t the ideal choice for someone like Bond. Even if he has to go German, because they’re paying, shouldn’t he have something a little more... subtle? Stately?

The real way to fix Bond’s weird BMW era is to swap all his Bavarian vehicles for this: A 635csi. He’d even end up with the Euro-spec front bumpers, which are a damn sight better than what we got here in the States.

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Fun fact about Jalopnik: This website is absolutely full to the brim with “Twister”fans. The New York office, in particular, is counting down the days until Glen Powell brings back that Hangman smirk in “Twisters”next month — and, of course, another red Ram.

These ’90s Rams, in red, are so ingrained into our collective psyche that discussion of one can’t happen without discussion of tornadoes — nor can the opposite. Go buy this and drive it into a tornado. Please don’t sue me if it goes badly.

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I understand that GPW already sounds like Jeep, if you read out the letters individually — Gee Pee Double You. I, however, want to propose an alternate pronunciation: Gupwuh. Give it a hard G, pronounce all the letters as if they’re a word.

Isn’t that more fun? Ford Gupwuh? It sounds like you’re speaking underwater, without having Emily Haines’ voice to do it in. Unless you’re actually Emily Haines, I guess. If so, leave a comment, say hi. I promise to get you out of the grays.

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I am, unfortunately, still on my club dyna bullsh*t. This looks so good to me, and I cannot convince my brain that it doesn’t. I’m trying, trust me. The flames, I do think, are a bit much.

The side exhaust is oddly sized and can’t decide whether it wants to be black or chrome. The air filter takes up valuable leg space. The front controls and forward bars contort you into a C. And yet, still, I want it.

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This truck is advertised as a Chevy 1500, but Chevy wasn’t really using that number yet in 1957. It’s described as a step side, but that too wasn’t yet a model name. No, this Chevy is called something far more modern-sounding: Task Force.

That’s the kind of name that should be on a truck that’s somehow entirely blacked out and camouflage, something 30 feet tall and with bodywork that can slice you if you look at it wrong. And yet, here it is, this patina’d old truck with humble round eyes.

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Why doesn’t the Mazdaspeed3 get the same acclaim, the same love, as its competitors? Why do we talk all day about the GTI, the Focus and Fiesta ST, the WRX and STI hatchbacks of yore, but never spare a thought for the Mazda? Why no zoom-zoom?

This is a travesty of inequity, but one that we can slowly begin to resolve. You, reader, should buy this car and make a whole thing out of it. Post it all over Instagram, make sure everyone knows that you both own and love it, and maybe some of the GTI owners will come over. Maybe.

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Golf R owners, maybe not. Look, it’s just a lot more car — faster, smoother, a nicer interior. Sure, you miss out on that weird dot pattern, but the Golf R just feels more substantial.

Perhaps to its detriment, even. Last time I drove a Mk7.5 Golf R — long before I worked here — there was just no way to tell how fast I was going without looking at the dash. It’s a fast car, a comfortable one, but one with no sensation of speed.

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But this, I imagine, has plenty of sensation of speed. Also plenty of rattles, clanks, shudders, and other unnerving sounds and feelings. In other words, it’s the perfect motor vehicle, and all others should be replaced with this posthaste.

I’m a longstanding aficionado of cars that look like they’ve been run ragged, beaten and stitched back together as haphazardly as possible, and this 240SX absolutely fits the bill. Look at that paint. It’s perfect.

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This car is listed as a GMC, due to its 270 cubic inch inline six, but the rest of what’s going on here kind of defies such simple descriptors. There’s Chevy running gear, sure, but the body is all custom behind that Model A grille surround.

Have you ever seen another car that runs on leaf springs and air bags, at the same time? There can’t be another car like this in the world. Unless there’s a whole community of these out there, in which case, I’m going to need to know where they meet. Someone send me the address.

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The original Suzuki Katana was cool, but the new one is something else entirely. This is the most cyberpunk motorcycle on the market, the only thing I can picture beneath Hiro Protagonist as he rides out to the Raft. Given the fall damage on one side, this may well be the same bike Hiro abandoned in the street.

You can say that the Vitpilen is the true cyberpunk bike, or the XSR900, but you’d be wrong — the Katana is the vehicle for prowling Night City or the Sprawl under only the most neon of lighting. I want one. I want one, and a sword that’ plugs into my arm for some reason.

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Folks, no one get too excited now, but it appears to be happening: ND Miata Clubs are getting cheap. Sure, you’ve been able to find NDs for mid-high-teens for a while now, but Clubs always command a premium. Now, though, they’re ever so slowly settling.

This isn’t even a base Club, but one with the Brembo/BBS package. Sure, it’s the least-desirable year of the ND, but you won’t be able to hear the people who say that over the wind in your hair.

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If you’re looking for a more budget-conscious roadster, however, we’ve got you covered there too. The seller of this Sky claims it has a Redline engine swap, though the engine bay photo appears to show a standard naturally aspirated Ecotec. Maybe the turbo is just hiding.

Regardless, this is the closest to a C6 Corvette you’ll get for five grand. Look at those headlights, against the yellow body, and tell me you don’t see a Vette in there. You should do this whole car up in Compuware livery as a bit.

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OK, I know, but hear me out. The Cadillac ATS rides on the same platform as the sixth-generation Camaro, yet is actually smaller than the muscle car — wheelbase, length, and width are all more compact on the luxury sedan than the performance coupe. Both cars share the same two-liter turbocharged four-cylinder, both have manual transmissions, yet the ATS is so cheap. Why?

Sure, the Camaro is 60 pounds lighter, but is that really such an incredible difference? This engine is still a good time in the Cadillac, and you’re wrapped in the finest 11-year old entry-tier luxury as that turbo whisks you around. People are sleeping on rear-driven manual ATSes, and these cars deserve a reappraisal.

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Everyone loves a scrambler, a retro-looking bike that can handle on- and off-road riding with aplomb. This Yamaha is... sort of that, in that it looks retro and can technically be taken off road. Is the Bolt chassis built for that? Absolutely not. Will you die if you do it? Probably not.

What’s important is that the SCR nails the style of scrambling, which isn’t easy to do when you have to nestle an entire V-twin in your chassis. Who else does that? It’s just Ducati. I saved you the time spent Googling.

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